One reason (of many) behind starting this blog is the not planning on kids lifestyle. The blogosphere is full of mom/kid/parent blogs which is great since there are lots of those people around, but not so many that address the DINK lifestyle. DINK (Double Income No Kids)…which I only learned this phrase last weekend. I belonged to an acronym and didn’t even know it 🙂 I also discovered there is a website dedicated to it. So, maybe it is more prevalent than I realized, but still, I think it is less socially embraced and viewed as an nontraditional permanent lifestyle choice for a married couple.
I’ve never imagined myself having children-it just is not something I felt I needed or wanted. I want my life to be mine and I don’t think this is an attitude to have if you do plan on having kids.
When you decide to get married, going into it with the plan of no kids, it provides a much wider path. I like to say “it’s just me and P in it for the long haul with no other mile markers”. It is just the two of you-which is great and a little scary. I’m approaching our lifestyle as one in which we need to make sure to actively create our own goals and plans. I could easily imagine it deteriorating into a series of years in sweatpants, TV, and take-out (well maybe not for us because we do like to spend our time together and love food, drink, and travel). I think with any marriage it is easy to get into a rut (kids or san kids) but at the same time kids provide influence against the day to day. In general, if you get married with the idea of starting a family, it provides you with a framework…have kids by X age (that ever ticking clock), do XY&Z before said kid/s, buy a house (worry about school district), get Junior into pre-school, soccer, college…..
The no kid plan is not the norm, and at times it’s weird how others react to it. Some people treat you as if you are actively challenging their child filled lifestyle; it’s amazing how argumentative strangers (or acquaintances) can become at the mere mention of the no kids plan. I don’t understand the hard sale that many people feel compelled to launch into. Personally, I feel like I’m at a used car dealership trying to be talked into that sporty red car, that clearly has been in a few wrecks and the dings are covered by the bright paint. If someone tells me “ I have three kids”, I don’t immediately say: “WHY?!”; “oh you will regret it”, “do you know how much college for three kids is?”….though apparently it’s completely acceptable to go after the no kid plan as if your very way of life is threatened. Of course not everyone reacts this way but I’ve witnessed and experienced on a number of occasions some very odd turns of casual conversations when the topic is brought up.
Basically, I just want to put another perspective out there on the old blogosphere (which I totally did not know was a dictionary recognized word). P and I are a family, a team, our marriage is no less because we are not following the prescribed road map. Regardless of your lifestyle choice, we all face challenges/happiness, a lot of it is the same. It’s not about my lifestyle versus your lifestyle, or even that mine is that different; it’s about showing the alternative map and those alternative mile marks, even if we are planting them as we drive.
While I can’t imagine my life without ever being a Mother (I had a son die at birth so technically I am a Mother but not of a living soul), I can absolutely understand different people’s points of views on the matter. I don’t like when others give someone flack for not wanting to have children and despite my views, I feel like you can have such a fulfilling life even with out. Having children is a very unselfish thing and admitting that you want your own life is brave and forthcoming. I like that 🙂
I love this post! I have two teen boys, but my wife and I struggled having kids, and I have always HATED how people pass judgment on others based on these things – whether marriage, house, kids, whatever.
It is as though you need to be working off the same check sheet and tick all the little boxes or you are not ‘normal’ (whatever that is). My wife’s sister loves to say ‘been there done that’ and ‘I’ve lived your life’ dismissively. Um, no.
And that is the whole thing – each of us only gets one life, why should we live it in any way other than how we choose? So good for you guys living your life, your way.
So glad I found this post via Nectar Collective. My husband and I are also childfree. I love your comment about life without mile markers, as I also feel that way. Living in the south I have quite a few parents not understand our choice and call us names like selfish or weird.
Found your blog through Mel. Like another commenter up there posted, I had a few problems having kids, and really after the heartache, I don’t think I want to deal with it anymore. And after a while, the husband and I think that kids are a lot of stress that we aren’t prepared to deal with right now. Of course, if it does happen, then we would be happy, but we aren’t actively trying. I think we are enjoying the time we have left together. We are in the military and are both going to deploy. =) But your story, is inspiring me even more to write my own take on it. As far as what other people think or say- basically, I’m tired of what other people think or say, and it’s not their life to live. -Jessica L
I am glad that you found my blog and commented. I enjoyed reading your blog and your opinions on the subject. I think it’s sad that people have opinions on what can only be the couples choice. For me and my husband, being childfree is the correct choice for us. I agree totally with the fact that you and your husband are a family and team, there is no need to have children to be a family x
Thank you so much for putting this out there. My husband and I chose to be childfree. And then people ask us how long we have been married, making the hidden assumption that we met later in life and it was “too late” for us. We have been married for over 16 years. Married in our early 20’s. So no, it wasn’t “too late” for us. It just wasn’t for us, period. And yet we do have mile markers. But they are ours, not measuring our lives by someone else’s. Our anniversaries, our trips, our buying/selling houses, moving to a different state, etc. And for those who want advice on dealing wit those that don’t get it….move one. Those that don’t get it won’t ever get it. So spend your energy elsewhere.
Thanks for stopping by Nicole and thank you for doing the same. Those are the very similar mile markers my husband I hope on putting down 🙂 A life of adventure!
Again, have to agree! When we first got married and told people we were waiting 5-10 years to have kids (he was 18, I was 21) we even had one person say, “You know that marriage isn’t for you, right?” And that was just waiting to have kids! I can’t imagine what would happen if we said NO kids. Haha, people can be crazy. Glad you’re doing what’s right for you!
It is crazy to be pressured into having kids as soon as you get married, why in the world would anyone not want you to be able to take your time and adjust/enjoy that stage before stepping into a new one. You have plenty of time to move into the next stage of your life..hope they back off!
I was poking around your childfree life posts and just wanted to say AMEN and thank you for sharing your perspectives. Fellow DINK here, and I cannot stand the judgement and disapproval that comes along with that decision. People act like our not having kids is somehow disruptive and insulting to their own lives. I have a post in my drafts to talk about being childless by choice so I really enjoyed reading this. Every time I get flack for missing the mommy gene, it’s nice to know there’s more of us out there then we think!
Thank you for adding this comment!! I love, love comments like your’s and I’m so glad to hear so many others chime in on this!! Can’t wait to get to read your take! I actually have a post ready for Friday that will reveal a listing of the childfree out there.
I love this post so much and as I am currently working through my thoughts on this for my own marriage I love to read others that are where I think I am heading.
Thanks Bailie! I’m working on a page listing childfree bloggers but in the mean time I thought this post was really well written and expressed http://bit.ly/1jtTuu3.
Hi Mariah,
thanks for stopping by!
This topic has dominated the majority of 2013 for me, and I have decided that I won’t have kids of my own. What I find right now is that everybody around me is having babies. Even women who don’t really know for sure – they do it because of pressure from family, girlfriends, and society. Not the best reason for having kids. One girl told us: “I ran out of excuses.”
I think it still doesn’t seem like a choice for many women; they feel it’s their duty, part of their responsibility of being female.
I love that women like you and Shannon from Brass Honey (discovered her through you, thank you!) stand up for your beliefs and life choices. You are awesome!
Wow Miriam, thank you! I’m so glad you found Shannon over at Brass Honey..she has been super supportive and helpful as I’m making my way into blogging. I’m really lucky in that I actually receive great support in my decision to be childfree from most of those close to me but I know that it is not always the case. Having a child is a huge decision and personally I think it should be a very mindful one. I’m still nervous about being really vocal about it in certain situations, though writing about has really helped with that. I just want to show the alternative lifestyle so others can relate..it’s hard when you feel you are being somehow left out. Again, thank you so much for dropping in and sharing.
This was so great and refreshing to read! The hubs and I actually wanted a family. We move a lot with his job, infact in the last 4 years, we’ve lived in 4 other states. Sure I could be like the rest of the wives, and stay home and raise a family, but I love to travel! So many people told us we couldn’t have kids, and we started thinking, “do we want to give this up?” It’s actually really fun!! So anyway, We aren’t your typical DINKS, we actually tried having kids, and after being diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”, lots of fights and crying, and trying MONTHS to try and have kids and going through infertility treatment, we decided to not pursue the $$$$ to make a baby in a lab, and start accepting this DINK life might not be so bad, and in fact, my life will not be over nor will it be insignificant without children. Thank you for the affirmation. =)
Hi Malina! Thank you so much for stopping by and for your comment! I’m so sorry for your struggles but so very glad you can see a different path that can still hold a lot of happiness. There is a big world out there that holds a lot of adventures, maybe your path is just meant to be more adventurous.
Loving the blog so far – putting your amazing wit and perspective out for us to enjoy is much appreciated!! 🙂
Just a thought about DINKville… J and I are in a lovely picnic stop just on the outskirts of town between DINKville and Normshire, not sure yet where to settle. We are similar in that we, too, realize that we are each other’s family and are “enough” as a very committed two-person team. The difference is that you know where you belong long-term, and we are still wandering. So, it’s not that you are “not planning”; you are “planning for none”. 🙂 You, my dear friend, have many delicious dreams and gifts to offer, one of them being an epic ability to map and savor the journey. It’s a quality of yours I’ve always admired. At least from the view on the fence, you are in the envious position of having a definitive and perfect plan. Enjoy!
Oh Erin..you are the one that should be writing 🙂 so beautifully expressed. You almost made me cry 🙂 thanks so much for the wonderfully sweet comment. I’m totally stealing DINKville for a future post. I’m so happy for you and J in your “wanderings” because no matter where it leads you are going together and I know you are happy and settled.
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I am so glad you led me over here. I like how you refer to this as “mile markers”. It does feel like society wants us to live according to a timeline. Thankfully, we have choices and can make the best ones for us! Look forward to more of your posts. 🙂
Thanks for so much for stopping by! I hope to expand the view point a bit:)
Hey Mariah!
So glad you found my blog. Thank you for stopping by. You’re right, only 3 posts in and I can definitely see we are very like minded :). This post particularly had me grinning. I love the used car reference, so true. Keep up the great work. I’ll be following along.
http://www.brasshoney.blogspot.com
P.S If you don’t have a Bloglovin account yet, I’d definitely get one. It’s great for newbie bloggers!
Thanks for the tip! I will definitely check it out. There is so much to learn! Once I get into it a little more I would love to compare notes.
I like this. Personally I am not planning any children any time soon. I am not even engaged to be married or anything. I cannot say what will happen in the future, but I liked reading this post. It is really simple – you are making a decision that impacts only you. I can see why people might be against it though. They feel like you are cheating in the game called life, choosing the easier way. What they cannot get is that you are doing this for yourself and not asking permission, It’s the same with people who are against gay couples.A gay couple doesn’t affct or threaten a straight couple relationship or marriage, yet it’s condemned. I guess some people are just like that. Personally, I like the concept of having your life to yourself 🙂 Good luck!
Thanks so much for dropping by and leaving your comment! I hate the gay marriage debate or that it is even a debate…there is nothing to debate. There is no rational reason to stop them from marrying and enjoying the same legal rights. There is a lot of reasons behind the no kid decision; not everyone has to be parents or should be parents. Making the no kid decision is a very mindful one and some people would do well to put that much mindfulness into the decision to go the more traditional path (instead of just taking the steps b/c they are there). Good luck to you on your journey as well!
Congratulations! Good for you and your choices. I think your plan should be all your own and no one else’s!! All the best to you and your journey.
Thanks you so much for the comment and taking the time to read by little piece! I’m new at the whole blogging thing..it’s a bit scary to put yourself out there but at the same time exhilarating. It’s nice to get positive comments 🙂