I think once you say you are choosing “child-free”, people want the why, or how do you know. The thing is, that is really hard for me to answer because there are a million and one reasons. Simple answer is having children is not something that I feel is needed in my life. I never grew-up thinking I would be a mom and I don’t feel that “urge” people describe. I’ve thought about it a lot and it’s not something I feel like I’m going to feel I’ve “missed out” on. It’s something P and I discussed long before marriage, and something we were and are on the same page about.
Having a kid is a life changing experience, it is something you better be sure of and it is something you better embrace 110%. While I think you can certainly raise a child making only minor changes to your life…I also feel like if you are taking that step with that as the plan then you are selfish. Your life should not be the same as it was before having a child, nor should you try to make it that way.
For me it’s the other parts of life that I would feel I’m missing out on, they have the stronger pull. I never want to feel like a child is holding me back from experiencing life to the fullest, because it is not fair to the child.
I would rather:
Explore the earth than set down roots
Learn than teach
Create than procreate
Have dinners for two than Mother’s Days
Travel on a whim than read bedtime stories
Can you do these things if you have kids? Absolutely, and you can do them without neglecting your children…that is not what I’m saying. To me, writing out the reasoning point by point feels false and arguable, like defending a standpoint and for me I don’t need to defend anything. It’s complex and simple, it’s selfish and selfless, it’s a belief and a choice.
Both having a child or not having a child is a leap of faith, it’s not a debate.
For more on being childfree see this and this. Also make sure to check out the “Childfree Are We” page for more bloggers and websites on the topic.
this is great! everyone should make this decision for themselves.. i feel like a lot of people have kids because everyone else around them are having kids regardless of whether they are ready or would be good parents. i’m definitely not completely closed to the idea of having kids.. but both jacob and i have a lot that we want to do before thinking about it. i just can’t imagine myself as a mom at this point. i know i’m in my 30s, but i feel like a kid myself!
Kids are such a sensitive topic! I live in Italy, women are really expected to have kids ; just to give you an idea, my boyfriend’s mum actually told me I should get pregnant without saying anything to her son just to give him a child and ensure he stayed in the relationship; I’ve had friends tell me to hurry up, other friends swearing I’d be desperate for a kid by the time I was 30…(I’m closer to 40 now!). I guess it’s the same for all of us who choose not to have children. Why should we breed just because we can? As you point out so nicely and respectfully, we can give a lot too 🙂
Thanks for stopping by Holly! Wow, with the BF’s mother-I would be shocked hearing that. I know a lot of cultures are much less open-minded on the topic then here in the States.
Mariah, thank you for creating this space where women who don’t want kids can find other like-minded women. Funny enough I’m right now working on a post that touches on this subject – what I was missing the most when I worked through this decision (because it didn’t come easily to me, even though deep down I always knew kids aren’t for me) was other women who feel the same way. I don’t know any in real life. Or they don’t openly talk about it, maybe because they’re tired of being judged all the time. So thank you!
Oh and I’m super-happy that you’re on bloglovin’, now I will never miss a new post from you!
Hugs!
Thank you Miriam!! I can’t wait to read your post! I’m sorry I was not here earlier 😉 And I’m so very sorry you felt alone when coming to your decision. It certainly helps to know there are people out there making similar decisions. I’m incredibly lucky to a few friends that are on a similar path. When you write your post, I would love to add you to the “Childfree Are We” page-of course only if you are interested (no pressure) 🙂 Hope you have a great weekend!
I don’t want children either. There’s just not a maternal bone in my body. Most children just make me cringe… thinking of myself having one makes me feel like I’m being choked. I wrote a post about it a couple months ago if you ever want to read it: http://www.voyageofthemeemee.com/2013/12/kids-arent-for-everyone.html Also, my favorite post about not having kids of all time came from A Dash of Quirky: http://www.adashofquirky.com/2013/10/09/on-not-having-kids/
Amanda, thanks so much for sharing your post and the other link as well! I love when I hear from others choosing to be childfree. I’m not a huge fan of most children either…I always feel awkward around kids and I’m overly nervous about small ones hitting their heads on something.
I’m not a parent yet but I know I want to be. Just like I have friends who are not parents and don’t want to be. We all do what we want to do. Thank goodness we aren’t all exactly the same- how boring!
When I saw the title of your post for today, I saved it for last and made myself comfortable (like the last bite of cake, or any other little pleasure). You know I have a lot to say about this, but you said it all for me since we have the same brain. Some of us just aren’t wired that way, and that’s okay. The fact that we even have to write posts like this bugs me. Why do we have to explain ourselves? We shouldn’t have to. People should just shut up and ask questions if YOU ever choose to bring it up. And then you can rub it in their face that you’d rather have a champagne brunch than a crappy macaroni and glitter mothers day card. You need to live closer so we can live happily ever after as coupled up DINK friends 🙂
Aww Kristina! I’m actually feel very lucky in that those close to me accept my decision and to have a few other close DINK friends here. I would love to be closer than I could hang with you and Shannon…it would be fabulous!!! We need to start out own little DINK development…no kids allowed and we can have progressive dinners, cocktail hour during the week, pools with no fences, playgrounds for the dogs, and our own private grocery store. Maybe if we make it cult like enough we would qualify as a religion and then we could get away with not paying property taxes and use that money on wine, beer, and cocktails 🙂 Hope you have a fabulous weekend and have fun celebrating T’s BDay!!
When you have a free week we can sit down and cover the 1001 reasons we chose to live this life the way we have. A few of my top contenders: I love myself more than I know I will ever love anyone else- I want it to stay that way. I’m selfish in that I’d rather come home and drink a glass of wine and take a hour long bath than I would worry about fixing someone dinner and helping them with their homework. To be the mother I’d want to be, everything in my life would change, no more working = no more $ = no more vacations or random dinners out. I guess it boils down to, I chose me. I love that about myself. I did think I would have kids in my early 20’s but the older I got, the less important it became. Now in my mid 30’s the thought is absolutely unthinkable, dreadful even.
Great post M, and I love what you did with the Road Less Traveled graphic, you’re amazing 🙂
For sure…but I want martinis while discussing it 😉 Really…what you just listed and a million more 🙂 I did sit down to write a bit more about why but this came out because there is such a long list and it is all of those things and even more than I can put down on paper or articulate. I just don’t want to (really I think that sums it up). And things like: I don’t want to have to deal with other people’s kids, I don’t want to join a mom group, I don’t like dealing with bodily functions, I’m not sure how I could deal with a disabled child, I love my life how it is, there are so many things I LOVE that I wouldn’t be able to do with a child, P and I are so happy with just the two of us…on and on and on.
Thanks so much S!! I’m pretty proud of how it came out 🙂
Probably what annoys me the most are the people asking why you are child free. It’s not really any of their business! Plus, there are some people who are still debating whether they want to have children, even if they are 30+! It’s ok to not know 100% what you want!!
It is a very personal topic but one that is routinely brought up in casual conversation. Fine your conversation starter is “do you have kids”…not the best but I’m go with it but then someone says no, I’m not sure why they think it is socially acceptable to dive right into it. I feel very few people would ask someone who answered unemployed to “what do you do” would continue down that path and say now tell me exactly why, and how long, and what are you doing to fix that 🙂 For sure, no one has everything all figured out and frankly some people should have probably given the child topic a little more thought 🙂
having kids is a personal choice and i really don’t know why people get all up in other people’s business about it. i have kids but before that, i got hounded about it. now that i have one, i get hounded about having another. no, how about you STFU and mind your goddamn business?!?
Thanks for stopping in Kathy! Glad to see I was not on the dumped list 🙂 Really, I sat down to list out my reasoning and then just got this instead 🙂 I can never understand people trying to “talk” others into very personal decisions. The child topic is personal and there seems to be no filter on just bringing it up in casual conversation.
Great post! I think we often feel that we need to defend our choice to not have children. We all just need to learn that what is right for one person may not be right for another. And we should respect that. There should be no need to defend our decisions. 🙂
Thanks Lynsey! Honestly, I sat down to write about why but this is what came out instead 🙂